Thursday, November 09, 2006

How to feel?

Xara's Light

Alex Xara Fernandez. 2 November 2006

Our family lost a sweet soul. a week ago today i kissed Xara goodbye. goodbye forever. go with God dear Xara.

Xara was my brother-in-law and his wife's beautiful baby girl. she passed away a few moments after her birth. with her mummy's delicate nose and sweet smile, with her daddy's brown eyes and the trademark Fernandez ears, she's got it all in her graceful little face.

how do i say goodbye? should i feel the loss any less because we have no blood ties? no. the pain and loss is just as intense. i think of her. i pray for her. i miss her. i cry.

i cannot grasp it when people say that things happen for a reason. what's the reason for this? i'm by nature a realistic person. i have a reason for everything i do, but this time around, i just don't get it. i vaguely understand it, but i just don't get it.

throughout the nine months that she was growing in her mummy's belly, i was never there much. do i feel that i've missed out on those times? no. i was very excited the whole time. never one to sprout sugarly sweet words, or outwardly demonstrate to everyone what i feel, i'm a proud and and pretty private person. i was secretly planning the balloons, and the baby shower and the gifts i could buy for her.

i grieve now. i grieve for the loss. i grieve for all that she will never experience. i grieve for all that i'll never get to teach her. i grieve for all the photos i'll never take of her. death saddens, but what we all grieve for is the loss.

her name is Alex Xara Fernandez, but she'll always be Xara to me. the thought has crossed my mind to name my future daughter Xara. i've scrapped that idea. Xara was a person. no one else should take her place. she deserves her own identity.

hugs, love and kisses to a dear child.

2 comments:

sunhands said...

Just lovely words sweetheart. Yes we will always miss her and she will always have a place in our hearts.

Your auntie and uncle misses you Xara

kentucky wildcats' fan said...

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Grieving is never easy on anyone. I know cause I'm still going through it. Healing is a slow process that only you can decide when and how. People may say, "You're gonna be ok. Time will heal. You'll be alright" and I wish I can give a tight slap to those people who told me, "I understand what you're going through" cause they'll never understand. Take as much time as you want at your own comfort zone. Xara will always live through you, Sweetie. Thinking of you at this very difficult time.