Wednesday, December 06, 2006

it's gonna be wild

an old classmate clued me in on a gathering that's gonna take place at the end of this month. a load of us girls are suppose to meet up and have some makan and believe it or not, go to a KARAOKE!

my gosh! how much have we all changed from the bunch of giggly schoolgirls that we once were? not much. at least that's what i gathered from the emails that's been flying around planning for this bash.

i can't wait. just can't wait

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Woof! Woof!

really thought of getting a puppy. have been wanting to get one for the longest time. was trawling through the "adopt a puppy" threads on my local community forum and really clicked with one lil pup. left a private message for the person to see the doggie... too late, the lil 'un has already been adopted by another animal lover.

we were actually looking at the litter of pups my hubsterman's work partner had at his home. fell in love with one, even thought of a name for him ~ hershey. apparently the dude thought that we were joking about it and his brother gave the whole litter away to some other folks. joking? why in the world would i joke about something like that?? are you crazy??

never mind. will find another hershey.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

How to feel?

Xara's Light

Alex Xara Fernandez. 2 November 2006

Our family lost a sweet soul. a week ago today i kissed Xara goodbye. goodbye forever. go with God dear Xara.

Xara was my brother-in-law and his wife's beautiful baby girl. she passed away a few moments after her birth. with her mummy's delicate nose and sweet smile, with her daddy's brown eyes and the trademark Fernandez ears, she's got it all in her graceful little face.

how do i say goodbye? should i feel the loss any less because we have no blood ties? no. the pain and loss is just as intense. i think of her. i pray for her. i miss her. i cry.

i cannot grasp it when people say that things happen for a reason. what's the reason for this? i'm by nature a realistic person. i have a reason for everything i do, but this time around, i just don't get it. i vaguely understand it, but i just don't get it.

throughout the nine months that she was growing in her mummy's belly, i was never there much. do i feel that i've missed out on those times? no. i was very excited the whole time. never one to sprout sugarly sweet words, or outwardly demonstrate to everyone what i feel, i'm a proud and and pretty private person. i was secretly planning the balloons, and the baby shower and the gifts i could buy for her.

i grieve now. i grieve for the loss. i grieve for all that she will never experience. i grieve for all that i'll never get to teach her. i grieve for all the photos i'll never take of her. death saddens, but what we all grieve for is the loss.

her name is Alex Xara Fernandez, but she'll always be Xara to me. the thought has crossed my mind to name my future daughter Xara. i've scrapped that idea. Xara was a person. no one else should take her place. she deserves her own identity.

hugs, love and kisses to a dear child.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

just float

A better tomorrow....
Originally uploaded by Kentuckiana.


i'm feeling down this past couple of days and i've been having trouble sleeping again. it seems that i never did get over my bout of depression. there's been so much on my mind and i don't think i know how to relax anymore. moreover, today i just got some news that had just shot my stess levels thru the roof.

how does one cope? i just wish i know.

knowing full well that i can't really shake all these thoughts from my mind completely, i turned on my mac and started surfing my favourite sites. i saw this poster a friend made on her photostream. the words just jumped out at me. she had her own reasons for those lines, but i somehow i just felt that it was just what i needed to hear too.

thanks Leena for sharing those words with us.

a tribute to homemakers


have any of us ever thought that being a homemaker is a piece of cake? well think again. i've played many roles in life. i've been a child, a student, an employee, and a mean ass bitchy boss. i've been in many industries before namely, designer perfume counters, hotel, antiquities, advertising, beverage, writing, talent cum project management.

now that i'm working from home, taking care of the household needs is also my responsibility. the cleanliness, the stocking of food, groceries and supplies, the washing, the laundry, the cooking, the utilities, the maintenance, the worries (yes, there's always worries), the finances, the list goes on and on and on. i can't imagine how those with young kids cope.

the stress level is sky high. if you were to say that a working woman has a lot to deal with in the corporate world and their stress levels are even higher, with the workload, and responsibilies, and deadlines, and office politics, and clients, and bosses and colleagues and subordinates to deal with. i beg to differ. i've been there in the corporate world. i know what it's like. managing a home is all that and more. plus, we've got family to think about. that's a HUGE responsibility. most working women have families too. yeah well, most of them have maids and nannies to take a big chunk of that off their hands. now, if you're saying a working woman WITHOUT a maid or a nanny or help of any kind...then she's a superhuman. i reslute her.

a homemaker need strong shoulders and helping hands. remember that the next time you think of the comfort of your home.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

the line between carpe diem and responsibilities

recently some books that i've been reading and some shows that i saw on the telly have been preaching the ideology of carpe diem, "seize the day" and "live life like there's no tomorrow" and "have no regrets". well actually the whole thing was to truly love someone and the carpe diem theory.

yeah, so if i live like there's no tomorrow, and i do all i want to do and not to leave any stone unturned for any regrets, and i wake up the next day; am i suppose to face the consequences? like for example, i blow all the money i have to buy all that my heart desires one evening, what am i gonna live on if i do get up the next morning? not-so-fresh air??

on the other hand, if i have to plan all everything and make calculated sacrifices now, how will i know that i would not regret a missed opportunity or something of that sort later on when i'm on my deathbed?

so how do i know where to draw the line? even if i seize the day and do things that does not hurt or affect anyone or anything else, how do i know how far to go? will i be "seizing the day" fully if i don't take that risk and go to the extreme?

in moderation you say. i really don't think that 'moderation' was in the context when they say "seize the day". it'll probably go like "pinch the day".

so where's the line between seize and pinch? a nudge perhaps?

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

a brother of their hearts

In Memory of Ezri Shahrizan
Originally uploaded by wildcats' fan.

i recently made some new friends on flickr dot com. these two twin sisters, Leen and Leena lost their beloved brother Yang on 10 June 2006. He was a young man of 38 when he passed on due to a heart attack.

My heart goes out to them for their loss, the love they had for their brother and how Yang loved his sisters.

i've taken this tribute from Leen to her brother from her flickr page.

i've also come across Leena's tribute. read it here

In My Fantasy ~ by Leen Lopez

In my fantasy,
There will be no death
Of the ones that I care
And love dearly

In my fantasy
There will be no hatred
Where only love rules
Over jealousy or animosity

In my fantasy
There will be no debt
Where I slave myself
To get the bills paid

In my fantasy
My siblings will get along
Where we tell one another
How much they mean to us

In my fantasy
There won’t be a divorce
Where all couples
Get along exceptionally

In my fantasy
The greed never existed
To even be thought of
And everybody’s content

In my fantasy
Never once have I forgotten
To tell everyone who matters
Of how much I love them

In my fantasy
Papa’s still alive
Bird hunting on weekends
Maybe he’d take Ryan too

In my fantasy
Mama’s still shopping
Tirelessly and impatiently
To see her smile of pleased

In my fantasy
Yang would be on the phone
Talking to my son
His sneer at the story of Ryan

But then again
This is all a fantasy
If only I could
Turn back the clock
There won’t be any demise
I’d tell them tirelessly
Of how much I love them

But then again
This is what is call life
Everyone will go one day
But for all who’s still living
To remember that
This so called life
Is just way too short

Monday, July 10, 2006

mojo with paco


well after over a monh of searching and choosing and thinking, i decided to name my dSLR OJO. Ojo means 'eye' in spanish. i named my nikon slr 'cyclops' and i wanted to name my dslr 'cyclops' in spanish, but apparently there's no direct translation. in the beginning i wanted to name him 'montana' but somehow, it didn't really fit.

but after more thinking, i don't think the name Ojo really fits. i wanted a real name, and a name with meaning. i looked and searched some more, and one name stood out. PACO. it's a real name, and it means bald eagle, or a free man. i love the animal it represents, and need i say more about a free man? Paco. Paco. even feels good to have the word rolling off my tongue.

security clothes

you know how it is like that small children (and some adults) have security blankets or "bantal busuk", this is about my 'security clothes', clothes which i love so much that i do not throw away even when they are faded and old and almost torn.

1. my slinky navy blue drawstrings. i've had this for more than 10 years and i've mended it at least twice. still have them and use them occasionally. still looks almost brand new

2. blue and white striped bodysuit. had it in the early 90s. have finally discarded it since it has gone way out of shape.

3. levis 501s. had this pair for nine years. it's now very worn at the butt and thigh areas. tearing at the knees. i've got new levis 501s but this one holds a very dear place in my heart.

4. sleeveless black blouse. this one is almost like a vest. V necked, buttons down the front and has that little tie thingies at the back. it was supposed to be dry cleaned, but my mom threw it in the wash after the first time i wore it. it shrunk. still wearable, but became very form fitting and i can't use it the moment i put on more than a couple of pounds. finally threw it out when it almost disintergrated.

5. my blue evisu baby T. this one is about two years old. still pretty ok. but i guess it's gonna be with me for a looooonng time to come.

6. denim coloured fitting bodice flared skirt summer dress. had this when i was in college. got me loads of dates. imagine a 18 year old bearing her shoulders in a dress that hugs her boobies, waist and hip, and flares out in a flirty skirt. got the picture?

7. my ever faithful green checked sarong. i wear sarong and men's singlet to bed. for those of you in the know, when it comes to sarongs, the longer you have them, the more worn and comfortable they become. my green sarong has a big gaping hole. i hide this hole by folding the front of my sarong over it. and yes, i still use it.

8. which brings me to my renoma men's singlet. this is the ribbed white type and i've had it for about nine years. it's got little holes but it's still my favourite.

Monday, July 03, 2006

insomniac hates chronic hoarders

what kind of hoarders do i hate? all hoarders actually. but at the moment i hate bandwidth hoarders.

i couldn't sleep... yes, again. i decided get my butt out of bed and go on the net. it was fine when i logged on at 5.15 am, but it just got bad at about 6ish. this seems to be the case around this time of the day. i'm guessing it's these idiotic schoolkids from the morning session or some college or uni stu-pids. why do i suspect these fools? well, the timing. the hoggers will clog up the port early in the morning (probably just before they leave for school), and in the afternoon just before 2pm and in the evenings. oh yeah, also late at nite in the weekends and eve of public holidays and schoolbreak periods. makes sense?

especially with all the downloading that youngsters do nowadays, these freaking assholes hog up all the bandwidth. moreover, the internet providers here are another bunch of hopeless assholes.

just had to vent.

*note - the connection seemed to have improved slightly now. why? i guess it's because those no-parent-to-teach-them-hoarding-is-bad group of ninnies are off to school already. timecheck. it's 7.19am

Friday, June 30, 2006

diversity in fashion. lucky me

here in malaysia, we're lucky to have a melting pot of a variety of cultures. with these different cultures, obviously comes their diffent types of fashion.

here you see me in the saree, which my husband ties for me. i just can't manage the six yards of cloth by myself. i love the vibrance (got ah, such a word?) of the colours i get from the sarees. i've now got 3, one in green, one rich royal blue and one with a mixture of fuschia and bright yellow. i always feel very feminine and dainty in a saree, hoping maybe i'll give out such kind of vibes when i dorn one. he he he...

next photo shows me in my wedding cheongsam. i got this for my own wedding. instead of wearing an evening gown, i have this long, sleeveless dark blue cheongsam with silver embroidery. i love the cut of a cheongsam. it's got slits up both the sides of the legs and it can go as high as the wearer dares. i'm a bit of a prude here and mine comes up only to just a couple of inches above my knees. nevertheless, i still feel sensuous and graceful in my cheongsams. i've got once in turquoise, one red one, and this one.

last comes my baju kurung. nowadays, loads of ladies like to add shoulder pads to the baju. i really hate that. i like this traditional pesak-gantung baju kurung. i love the baju kurung for its unrestricting feel. it's loose and airy (provided that a light material is used) and it covers up everything. i can sit as tomboyish as i want and i can still look demure. why? coz i'm all covered up! heh hehe *evil grin*

there's another type of fashion which i also love, which is the kebaya. it's a traditional form of dressing for the straits ladies, the nyonyas. my great-granny was a nyonya and kebayas and batik sarongs were all she ever wore. i do have a few kebayas hanging around in my closet, but i seldom wear them, as i feel really hot and sweaty in the few that i have. it's normally worn with a camisole inside as the material used to make the kebaya tops are usually quite transparent.

ahh... the wonders of living in a multicultural society. fashion haven =)

Friday, June 09, 2006

which day were you born on?

Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go.
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child works hard for a living,
But the child born on the Sabbath Day,
Is fair and wise and good and gay


i was born on a monday and my hubsterman was born on a tuesday. we're pretty happy with that =D

in this present day and time, some people might not like to be born on a sunday, being fair & wise & good and GAY

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

our new cyclops!

WE GOT IT!!!!!!!!

my small 3.2 mp (i call her pixie, coz she's got tiny megaPIXel count) point & shoot's LCD gave up its ghost recently and i'm the kind who likes taking photos as a hobby. i normally bring pixie wherever i go. i can still shoot with pixie, but with the LCD kaput, Lord knows what i'm photographing.

my hubsterman have been learning here and there shooting with a dslr and he's in love with the canon 30D. too bad, cannot afford a 30D. i was actually looking at the 350D all these while. i feel that it's more than sufficient for me, not planning to go into professional photography (not good enough) but looking at the 350D, it might be a lil bit too small for my hubsterman's hand grip.

my bro jason also pointed out the fact that it might be better to go for a 350D and save the rest of the money for the accessories. me thinks that's an excellent idea =)

so, we went camera shopping this afternoon and got the canon 350D with a kit lens to start off. so happy! so happy! so happy!!!

Saturday, June 03, 2006

can't sleep... again

it's like 5.15 in the morning and i can't sleep. i'm suppose to wake up at 7am coz it's zach's wedding today.

it's gonna be a long day ahead and i dunno how i'm gonna tahan til the nite. all the la-di-da and la-di-do, plus the preparation of the arch and bridal room. oh GOD!

went to bed at about 3am, thinking, "ok, i'll get about 4 hours sleep. gonna be a bit tired, but think i can make it". stared at the clock at 3.40am, at 4.15am and again at 5am. that's when i decide not to stress myself out by trying to sleep anymore.

it's funny, coz as i'm typing this, my eyes are so heavy and i feel like i can drop off anytime now. should i attempt again? hmm... dunno

Saturday, May 20, 2006

i hate going downtown... i'll make an exception for coliseum

i had to go downtown a few times in the past week. i really HATE going into town. unless i have some appointment, or events or when i absolutely, absolutely HAVE to go, i avoid it at all costs.

"what about shopping?", you say. i'll get what i need in the suburban malls.

zach, my bro-in-law is getting married to his luv-luv soon, and my mumzie-in-law bought us girls some cloth to sew the kebaya 'uniform' that we're all suppose to wear for the occasion. the dang tailor is DOWNTOWN!

fine. went, got measured, put down deposit and left. i was dreading the next trip to collect the kebaya. the tailor woman calls me up two days later to tell me that the embroidery in the cloth is lopsided. i have to make an ADDITIONAL trip to get the cloth changed. why can't she see the fault the first time i was there? she opened up the cloth to look and all. ISH!!

i went to collect the kebaya today, and my hubsterman was sweet enough to drive smack into downtown traffic. also, i have the company of my sweetie sista-in-law izan (she's married to my hubsterman's older bro, joshua). she's one of my favouritest person in the family. those two plus points made the trip more enjoyable.

but the best part of this last foray downtown was when we were feeling hungry and wondered where to have lunch. suddenly, hubsterman proclaimed, "COLISEUM! Let's go Coliseum!". we went a couple of round looking for parking and the traffic system is totally horrendous.

COLISEUM is totally worth it all. the hassle, the traffic, the whole trip. the food and atmosphere is awesome! love every single minute and taste of it. delish!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

parents didn't teach you any manners, is it?

i had to go to town on two separate occasions recently, and i took the commuter train and the light rail transit. youngsters in malaysia nowadays don't really have much manners. it is already a sad situation when we need signages to be posted on the trains to give up certain allocated seats to the elderly, the expectant mothers and the handicapped. i mean, i understand the allocated seats, as they are near the exits, but the signages?

what's even worse is, with all these signages, youngsters are STILL hogging these seats and the elderly, the pregnant and handicapped STANDS. even if the young are illiterate, they should have the home education of manners and courtesy.

while in the train today, an elderly malay man had to give up his seat for a blind man. how did we know that he's blind? he had the cane. you know, the foldable blind man cane that everyone recognises at once. yet the young bastards around are continuing with their own business of nonchalance.

today i had my senior citizen mom with me, and an indian gentleman gave up his seat for her instantly and when i thanked him, he told me that i'm most welcomed. sure gave a nice warm feeling of the goodness in people. this chap is shorter than i am and he had a briefcase-sized bag with him. he could barely hang on to the straps dangling from the ceiling of the carriage roof to hold on to. he looked and sounded like a citizen of india. if he really is, it makes me cringe to call myself a malaysian. what kind of image are we putting out there to the foreigners? we've always been portrayed as warm, friendly and COURTEOUS. where's the malaysian common courtesy in this?

i don't want to point fingers here, but the majority of the people who rides the commuter trains and the LRT are of a certain race, therefore they obviously bag a bigger percentage of having no common courtesy. are they always the culprits? what about the rest of them? take a ride yourself and find out.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

greed begets cons ~ too good to be true

i was mucking around ebay again recently. and this time around i looked at the camera listings. i came across a brand new canon 20D with all the extras going for US$350 inclusive of shipping. this is too good to be true.

this person is a newly registered ebay member and had 2 listings for dirt cheap brand new cameras and no feedback or reviews at all.

the dude listed an email address for queries and stuff. so i emailed him some questions. why so cheap? how much for shipment? payment method?

dude replied that it'll be shipped via his UPS account and the whole deal should be done through ebay and therefore, is safe. oh yeah, i should also furbish him with my mailing details so that he can go ahead with it.

i messaged him again via email AND ebay messaging system about the payment method. he replied through email that he's new to ebay and he'll let ebay advice us on the payment method.

i sent him another email saying that i'll only use paypal for dealings above US$20. guess what? no reply til now. his previous replies were always within 30 minutes.

i then did a google search on the name stated in his email and i found that a person with the name MIHAI ALIN has conned people before! was i surprised? nah, not really.

deal was just too damn good to be true.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Bali, here we no come

we were planning to go to bali for a holiday at the end of the month. it turns out to be more than we can afford. with all the debts we have piled up, the trip can't meet the budget at the moment. we can probably afford a 2 night stay, but that defeats the purpose. a 2 day stay would probably be more stressful. a holiday is for de-stressing and unwinding (Lord knows how my hubster needs some unwinding. he's been working almost non-stop, including weekends). we decided not to go. we bought a PS2 instead. guess what i named the playstation? yup. bali.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

more of me

i've recently created another blog. it's totally different from this. most of it is in a conversational style and it's more light hearted.

interested? then go to ...a lil conversation...

Friday, May 05, 2006

ugly kevin

i recently came aross this really ugly looking twat name kevin. he talks real big. loves to throw around names of celebrities and people that i'm sure he's not even met. apparently he blogs as well. i really didn't wanna find out his blog address. i'm sure it's as annoying and lightweight as he is. oh yeah, it seems that he's gay and proud of it. there's nothing wrong with being gay, just don't be so "in your face" about it. it's classier that way.

"why am i writing about him then?" you ask. well, i'm just using him as an example of all the irritating small fries out there. these people are like pesky flies. buzzing around and smearing shit and bugs and other disgusting what-nots on people. they are many "lil flies" out there. have had the misfortune to meet some of them, and i'm sure i'll meet a few more along the way.

why do these people so eager to name drop and pushy? have they not heard of good manners? i, too can be as bitchy as the next diva, but these people are just downright trashy.

there. now that i've said my piece, i can brush these minnows off the fringe of my irritation.

no sleep

i just couldn't go to sleep. been up the whole night. got even more tired by rolling around in bed trying to sleep for over 2 hours. finally got out of bed. got on the computer, and at about six in the morning i heard this really loud clacking sound coming from the front yard. got out to investigate. turns out to be the water filter backwash meter. been having problems with it since last week. called the water filter company and they said that it'll take about a week to get a replacement as they've ran out of stock. that was 6 days ago. the freaking company still have not replaced it. spent another 10 mins frantically trying to figure out how to open it up. didn't want to wake up my neighbours. yes, it was THAT loud. finally managed to open it up and had a slight electric shock dismantling it. finger still hurts. dang!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

all dogs go to heaven

just read junkgirl's blog entry of the passing of her dog. a painful experience.

brings to mind my own doggie friends who touched my life. scrappy, nicky, peggy, may, shorty and horny (yes, he was named horny, not a good idea when i come home after a night of gallavanting and he runs out of the house when i drive my car in. imagine screaming. "HORNY! HORNY!" down the neighbourhood at 3am. the tip to naming a doggie is to scream the chosen name a few times standing outside your doorstep, if it sounds ok, then go ahead. if it sounds bad, choose another name). there were quite a few others as my paternal grandfather had a kennel. oh yeah, there was also tony, the psychotic dog. he should have been put to sleep. too agressive for a pet. even bit my grandmother once. the woman who feeds him! he belonged to my equally psychotic auntie yin. the only person who can control him was my dad. hated the dang dog.

scrappy was a daschund mix breed. he was very good at hunting and catching snakes and rats. the game dog in him is really dominant at times like that. it's a good thing, coz there were quite a few snakes in my grandad's backyard at the time as it was near a jungle which is now been developed to a great loss of some green lung. scrappy loves car rides. he would stick his little head out the car window and his long ears would flap out behind him. great dog. one of my 2 favs.

nicky. i have no idea what breed he was. all i know that he's white, big and shaggy. we had him and peggy together. peggy was a poodle mix, she had curly hair. nicky was nicknamed 'mad man'. he goes wild when it rains. he just loves to play in the rain. funnily enough, he hates bathing time. the moment he hears the big aluminium can being dragged out, he runs and hide under the car. my auntie catherine and i used to take nicky an peggy for walks. she'll have peggy and i'll have nicky on my leash. i think it was nicky taking me for a walk, the way he'd drag me around. he was the other of my 2 favs.

may was a great dane. i was really young when may was around. i used to think that may was a pony! she was very gentle and sweet. nothing of her hugeness frightened me at all.

shorty. shorty, shorty, shorty. shorty loves to fight. he was an alsatian mix. goodness knows what he was mixed with, all i remember that was shorty had very short legs, hence the name. very original, i know. he was the paradigm of the alpha male. he protects all the dogs in the kennel. woe comes to any other dog coming to the kennel area. he even climbed over a 7 foot chain-link fence to fight dogs OUTSIDE. he's fine with the other dogs, but no outsiders. he's great with people. loves eggs and bananas and tummy rubs. he looks as though he's got a perpetual grin on his face.

then there was dolly. dolly, my ex-neighbour's tormented pet. she used to hit dolly with a rubber hose til my dad had a word with her. the next thing we knew, dolly was no longer around. she must have dumped the dog somewhere. a couple of years after that, we saw a dog looking exactly like dolly, looking into my neighbour's home from the street. the dog left after a long, lingering look. dolly never came back after that. it was almost 20 years ago.

mary's also no longer with us. mary was my auntie catherine's german shepard. when my cousin melanie was a new born, mary was her baby sitter. mary sits and sleeps just beside melanie's cot and would always run to get my aunt about 2 seconds before melanie starts to cry. mary was pretty smart too. she could open doors. back then, homes seldom used doorknobs, it was mostly doorhandles. mary could open those while standing on her hind legs. mary was a very regal looking creature. i'll never forget it when i was in primary one, aunt catherine dropped me off to school, and mary was in the backseat. my aunt's car was surrounded by kids, petting and cooing and just plain excited by mary. mary just sat there, tall and straight.

all these dogs are in doggie heaven now.

Friday, April 21, 2006

da vinci badaboom

i love 'da vinci code' by dan brown. absolutely love it. it's a great piece of writing. adore 'angels and demons' too. another great piece of work. not much can be said of his 2 other novels though. quite yucky.

most of us would have read, or at least heard of the 'da vinci code'. loads of christians are jumping on the bandwagon of the big hoo ha debunking the work of dan brown.

take a walk into a bookshop. is the book in the history or religious section? or is it in the FICTION area?

why are the load of you so-called sanctimonious bastards so quick to point fingers and accuse a piece of FICTION as being sacrilegious? can a some words on paper bound in a book known as FICTION shake a belief of thousands of years? will the world be that stupid and hail 'da vinci code' as the new Bible?

is your faith so weak that the fictional words of one mere man is enough to send you running around defending your own religious beliefs?

get a grip and manage your own actual belief in the Lord. Going to church and putting the biggest amount in the donation plate, and singing the loudest, and praying at the pews with your eyes closed the tightest DOES NOT gain you automatic entrance into heaven. and all you supposed leaders out there. since when did politics come into play in the House of GOD? is your calling to teach us all about the good of mankind or is it to collect the most money and build the biggest cathedral or hall or to be the most powerful amongst the men of cloth?

greed. pride. envy. these are among the 7 deadly sins.

a person's religious beliefs is between him and God. no one else comes in between. not you, not me, and certainly not dan brown.

oh, did i tell you that i was brought up a christian? i'll say a prayer all of you self righteous fools out there. you need it.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

my computing hours

i've been sitting in front of my computer for hours. going through my flickr site, reading blogs, emailing, some googling, some writing, some photoshopping, etc, etc, etc.

so many thoughts are running thru my head as i surf the net. my own little contribution to the web-sphere seems so minute. i don't really care about that actually, i just do what i do and that's it.

do i have nothing else better to do? nope. not at the moment. no projects, no cleaning, no cooking, no tv, no reading, no nothing. just sit and stare and type and click.

as i sit here, i look around. my mac is nice and white. just cleaned it a couple of days back. no smudges, no black fingerprints, no dust. YaY!

my back is aching due to my poor posture.

my hubsterman just called and asked if i wanted to go with him to pick up his funky new specs. nope.

the world wide web takes me away from my own dreary life. for that moment i'm in somebody else's life. i read their writings, their reviews, their research, their input. i see thru their eyes in their photographs. i see their sense of colours in their art. sometimes i even feel like a voyeur, when they post their innermost thoughts and feelings. i'd imagine what their lives are like. but do i wanna be them? nah, i make up my own fantasies.

i do most of my projects on the computer. on the net and otherwise. the world of communication has become so advanced that i can email and post and send my stuff all on the net, and seconds later, someone on the other side of this earth is looking at it. i tell you, the net is meant for people with writing deadlines.

do i spend loads of hours on the net? not really. do i spend loads of hours on the computer? sometimes. especially when i'm on a project.

i'm signing off now. got to do other stuff on the computer.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

lazy sunday

today my hubsterman and i are able to catch some 'home' time just lazing around and chillin'. we barely get any of those lately. must savor every minute of that.

we attempted a apple and pear crumble. not bad for a first attempt. found the recipe a bit too sweet and tweaked it for my own recipe collection. in fact, i tweaked it quite a bit and the new recipe is almost totally my own.

there we were, the both of us in the kitchen, measuring and cutting and mixing and all. it was kinda fun. luckily the recipe was quite easy.


Saturday, April 15, 2006

Easter Sunday

i normally go vegetarian on maundy thursday, good friday and holy saturday. i boo boo-ed on good friday. i forgot and accidentally snacked on some dried squid. i mean it's no big deal. not a big huge sin or anything like that. no moral or religious police is gonna cuff me up for that. i forgot. i only remembered that i ate the squid after my dinner of potatoes and peas.



Tuesday, April 11, 2006

i am what i am

I am what I am
I am my own special creation
So come take a look
Give me the hook
Or the ovation
It's my world
That I want to have a little pride
My world
And it's not a place I have to hide in
Life's not worth a dam
Till I can say
I am what I am

I am what I am
I don't want praise I don't want pity
I bang my own drum
Some think it's noise I think it's pretty
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle
Why not see things from a different angle
Your life is a shame
Till you can shout out I am what I am

I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck
Sometimes the aces sometimes the deuces
It's one life and there's no return and no deposit
One life so it's time to open up your closet
Life's not worth a dam till you can shout out
I am what I am

I am what I am

I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck sometimes the aces sometimes the deuces
It's one life and there's no return and no deposit
One life so it's time to open up your closet
Life's not worth a dam till you can shout out
I am what I am

I am I am I am good
I am I am I am strong
I am I am I am worthy
I am I am I belong

I am

I am

Who whoooo etc.
I am

I am I am I am useful
I am I am I am true
I am I am somebody
I am as good as you

Yes I am

Sunday, April 09, 2006

a little time for them

this morning we went to the cheras christian cemetery to say hello to some of our departed loved ones. my hubsterman wanted to go coz it was his late grandpa's birthday a few days ago.

there were quite a number of people there visiting their loved ones too, comparatively to the other times that we went where there barely was anyone else around (saved for all souls' day and christmas, of course).

we first stopped by at my grandfather's. i was his favourite grandchild. he's very creative and when i was young he used to make little drawings of me in my many childhood moments on small pieces of cardboard (he was a lampshade and rattan goods maker). these drawings depict me in happy, as well as sad or annoyed times of my childhood in his shop. perhaps one day i'll scan and post them here.

then we moved on to my grandma and aunts' (both my aunts share a grave, my uncle's wife who was cremated and buried with my little aunt joan). their graves were separated by a little english girl's who died when she was still very young. their graves are framed by two frangipani trees which forever rain down beautiful white flowers on them. i've never met my grandma or my aunt joan. my grandma passed on when my mom was still a young girl, and my aunt joan never made it to her first birthday. my uncle's very petite late wife drowned when she was trying to save my cousin jason who could barely swim (she could barely swim herself) in a clubhouse pool. where were the lifeguards? dunno. not there.

next was great-granny juliet's grave. after my grandma died, my mom was taken care of by my great-granny. i've never met her as well, she died before i was born. she was a nyonya lady who wears kebayas and sarong. my dad loved her to bits as well. i've always enjoyed the stories they tell me of great-granny juliet.

my husband's grandfather passed away in the ripe old age of 90 some years back. they used to call him grandpa "who". in his later years, he was hard of hearing and he'll ask "who??" as to acertain who was talking to him at that time. there was once when my brother-in-law joshua came home at night(grandpa was staying with them) and called for grandpa to open the gate. grandpa peered out the doorway and ask, "who?" my brother-in-law replied, "joshua". grandpa said, "oh, joshua's not in" and he closed the door!

my hubsterman's grandpa was the last of our combined clan that we visited in cheras christian cemetery. everyone of them had some stories i could share with you, everyone of them lived on, either in the memories we carry in our hearts or in the tales that we very so often hear in our families' stories.

lit some candles, placed some flowers and spent a lil time with them.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

panic manic

me thinks me is suffering from depression.

high stress levels
incessant worrying over the most minute matters
unidentified fears
emotional tightness in the chest
concentration problems
lack of interests in most things

basically the feeling of being in doldrums all the time.

i've had bad emotional periods in my life before, but this time i just can't seem to pull myself out of it. i've always been strong enough a person to get out of a slump, but this time...

sometimes i feel like i need a good cry, a real bigtime bawl to release all the tension inside. but the negative emotions seemed all locked up inside and i can't seem to find the key for them.

don't worry, i'm sure i can get out of this one.

I’m not afraid of anything in this world
There’s nothing you can throw at me that I haven’t already heard
I’m just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company

You’ve got to get yourself together
You’ve got stuck in a moment
And now you can’t get out of it
Don’t say that later will be better
Now you’re stuck in a moment
And you can’t get out of it

I will not forsake the colours that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks, they left you with nothing
I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears, through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it’s tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don’t really need now, my, oh my

You’ve got to get yourself together
You’ve got stuck in a moment
And you can’t get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
You’ve got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can’t get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm till you discover how deep
I wasn’t jumping, for me it was a fall
It’s a long way down to nothing at all

You’ve got to get yourself together
You’ve got stuck in a moment
And you can’t get out of it
Don’t say that later will be better
Now you’re stuck in a moment
And you can’t get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won’t last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass
It’s just a moment
This time will pass

Thursday, March 30, 2006

oyster is a bad boy

hubsterman and i had dinner at victoria station in taipan tonite. i'm normally very boring with my choices. i'll always have the parisienne garlic steak, whereas his choice is always a guess for me.

tonite he chose the carpetbagger. i was already tearing into my own juicy piece of meat when his order arrived at the table. he took a bite and instantly asked be to take a whiff of the oysters sandwiched in the middle of the steak. i took a sniff and a taste. they bad. totally off.

he got the waiter to take his steak away and changed his order to a garlic steak (no point taking his chances with the oysters again).

they fired up his order pretty quick and when he cut into the meat, it was rare (he ordered medium). it was more than rare. infact, it look raw. again the plate goes back into the kitchen. guess they nuked it and this time it came back perfect.

did we tip them? yup.

will we go back? yup.

will we order the carpetbagger again? not on your life.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

am i man enough?

i've been thinking about my likes and dislikes recently and i've come to realise that i've got a lot of "manly" interests.

~ i love football (by football, i mean the european football, not the american game where they use their hands and hold the ball and run around, the only thing they do with their FOOT is to kick the ball. then why do they call it FOOTball???)

i love the game and yes, i do have a team that i support. in fact, i support 2 teams, one as a big time supporter and the second, well, as a small time supporter.

i love to watch a great game of football. yes, even when the team that i'm supporting is losing (i'll be very disappointed though). i like that better than the inconsistant and downright horrendous thing they do that they call 'referreeing'

~ i love formula 1. i've always been a die-hard mcClaren fan especially the late aryton senna and mika hakkinen. as the two greats no longer race in f1, i'm not so much a supporter of the team. i just enjoy the races and the GOOD driving skills. funnily enough, i've never been a fan of michael schumacher. hmm... i wonder why ;P

~ i like d.i.y. doing simple repairs, assembling, plumbing and all of those sorts have always been an interest of mine. i like to put things together and i like to know how things work.

~ i happen to prefer beer over cutesy cocktails. i prefer the taste. forget the beer belly and all that. gimme a beer rather than a cutesy pina colada. although i admit that there are times when i wouldn't mind a well put together cocktail with a kick.

~ i like war movies, especially those with loads of strategizing and fight scenes.

~ i like superheros and their comics. i have a secret kinda superhero alter-ego back in highschool.

~ i like spy books, and war books (in fact i'm a readaholic. i read anything and everything, even read a phonebook once coz there was no other reading material). so maybe this category doesn't really count, but what the heck.

~i like snooker. not pool, but snooker.

~ i like the sports section of the newspaper. i prefer that to the lifestyle section on most days. when i read the papers, i always save the sports section for last. looking forward to it eagerly whilst reading the rest of the paper first. definetely saving the best for last.

i do have my girly interests, but somehow or rather i've always prefered discussing a good game or a good race or a new way of doing up the house to a discussion of makeup and clothes and fashion. i figure that i AM man enough. that's why i'm a lady =D

besides, my 'manly' interests have brought my husband and i closer together. think about it, wouldn't it be nice if your wife enjoys a game or a race with your rather than having her sulk about it the whole time? *fluttering eyelashes with a coy smile*

Friday, March 24, 2006

twohands' hall of... duds

my list of "I DON'T LIKEs". shitty stuff. bleakh!! *the date the item is added to the list is in brackets*

- matthew mcconaughey (27 march 06) how's he the sexiest man of 2005??

Thursday, March 23, 2006

twohands' hall of... cool cheet

list of "I LURVEs" mwah, mwah!! *date of item added to the list is in brackets*

- crash (23 march 06)

- to kill a mockingbird - harper lee (24 feb 06)

- bohemian rhapsody - queen (24 feb 06)

- da vinci code - dan brown (24 feb 06)

- angels and demons - dan brown (24 feb 06)

- shawshank redemption (9 feb 06)

- remember the titans (9 feb 06)

- beautiful mind (9 feb 06)

- three men and a baby (9 feb 06)

- american history X (9 feb 06)

- grease (9 feb 06)

- the alchemist - paulo coelho (9 feb 06)

- riders - jilly cooper (9 feb 06)

- rivals - jilly cooper (9 feb 06)

- players - jilly cooper (9 feb 06)

- polo - jilly cooper (9 feb 06)

- man who made husbands jealous - jilly cooper (9 feb 06)

- apassionata - jilly cooper (9 feb 06)

- score - jilly cooper (9 feb 06)

- pandora - jilly cooper (9 feb 06)

- not a penny more, not a penny less - jeffrey archer (9 feb 06)

- kane and able - jeffrey archer (9 feb 06)

- the prodigal daughter - jeffrey archer (9 feb 06)

- shall we tell the president (9 feb 06)

- first among equals - jeffrey archer (9 feb 06)

- a matter of honour - jeffrey archer (9 feb 06)

- as the crow flies - jeffrey archer (9 feb 06)

- honour among thieves - jeffrey archer (9 feb 06)

- fourth estate - jeffrey archer (9 feb 06)

- the eleventh commandmant - jeffrey archer (9 feb 06)

- sons of fortune - jeffrey archer (9 feb 06)

- a quiver full of arrows - jeffrey archer (9 feb 06)

- a twist in the tale - jeffrey archer (9 feb 06)

- twelve red herrings - jeffrey archer (9 feb 06)

- to cut a long story short - jeffrey archer (9 feb 06)

- first wives club - olivia goldsmith (9 feb 06)

- shantaram - gregory david roberts (9 feb 06)

- the whole harry potter series (up to book six now) - j k rowling (9 feb 06)

- memoirs of a geisha - arthur golden (9 feb 06)

- lightning - dean koontz (9 feb 06)

- watchers - dean koontz (9 feb 06)

- tick tock - dean koontz (9 feb 06)

- nat king cole (9 feb 06)

- chester bennington of linkin park (9 feb 06)

- eminem (9 feb 06)

- jim reeves (9 feb 06)

- U2 (9 feb 06)

- freddy mercury (9 feb 06)

- tupac (9 feb 06)

- oleta adams (9 feb 06)

- josh groban (9 feb 06)

- luther vandross (9 feb 06)

- andrea boccelli (9 feb 06)

- il divo (9 feb 06)

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

drifting anchors

sometimes i look back in life and wonder where the people we call our friends are at now.

the people from our school days, our college/uni days, people we used to work with, play with and cry with.

i've got good friends from my school days who just live a couple of rows from my home, and some are a couple of continents away. it's an irony that my closest friends in school are the ones who are far away from me now. and then there were the ones from after school. where's nik? last i heard, he's somewhere in germany. where's zu? dunno. where's christina? where's ailene? where's justin? heard he's now some big shot in an ad agency in the u.s. where's bala and siva? where's eugene? heard he's with ibm. only one i kept in touch with was howie, but apparently he's now known as brian, or was it mike? dunno, he'll always be howie to me.

i've met loads, and i mean loads of people when i started working. some became friends, some moved on and the one i missed most is sendi. she married some prick and is now apparently somewhere in some farm in australia. haven't seen her for years. do i miss her? very much.

in recent years, i've met loads of new friends, and a bunch of them thru my husband. some are knuckleheads, and some are nice. will we stay friends? dunno. hope so. especially with the nice ones =)

as i look back at my life, i ask, "who are my friends?" "what are friends?" are they anchors? or drifters?

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

fucking dumbass mother cat

me thinks the title says it all.

which mother prefers to leave their young in a wet drainhole compared to a warm shelter environment on a cold wet rainy day? A DUMBASS CAT, THAT'S WHO.

a mother cat recently gave birth to 3 lil kitties and at noon, she left them in the drain where the hot overhead sun was shinning mercilessly down on them. where's the mother in the meantime? away to God knows where.

i mean, come on... even i, who kinda dislike cats (i'm very much a dog person) found these newborns (who have yet to open their eyes, mind you) cute and pitiful.

my hubsterman took a piece of tile to cover the drain so that the poor things will at least have some shade.

a couple of hours later, it started to pour (tropical weather, no warning, no season). i could hear them mewing so pitifully. i took a container, lined it with newspaper and kitchen towels, and picked the little kitties from the wet drain and dried them and put them in the container. i also laid out some fish for the dumbass mother cat (she's gotta eat to be nourished enough to feed them right??!!)

guess what she does? the freakin' dumbass pussy came back, dragged her litter into the wet DRAINHOLE and came up again to feed and clean herself, all these whilst her babies were again mewing pitifully and probably drowning in the drainhole.

she won't let me near, she spits and hiss (i could probably kick her ass if i wanted to, but then the poor kitties will be motherless).

i had to hide and peep to watch all this take place, as i was afraid that she might be wary of me and gobble up her young if i sat right next to her kitties. fat load of good that do.

at the time of writing this entry, i can see that the structure and composition is just out the window as i'm still so upset with the fucking dumbass cat. i'm not going to correct this later or whenever as i want this to stay as a testiment of my anger, my irritation, my disappointment, my frustration and my sadness of the whole issue.

Monday, March 20, 2006

like we never loved at all

You never looked so good
as you did last night,
underneath the city lights,
there walking with your friend,
laughing at the moon.
I swear you looked right through me.
But I’m still living with your goodbye,
and you’re just going on with your life.

How can you just walk on by
without one tear in your eye?
Don’t you have the slightest feelings left for me?
Maybe that’s just your way
of dealing with the pain,
forgetting everything
between our rise and fall
like we never loved at all.

You, I hear you’re doing fine.
Seems like you’re doing well
as far as I can tell.
Time is leaving us behind,
(time – leaving us behind)
another week has passed
and still I haven’t laughed yet.
So tell me, what your secret is
(I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna know)
to letting go, letting go like you did,
like you did.

How can you just walk on by
without one tear in your eye?
Don’t you have the slightest feelings left for me?
Maybe that’s just your way
of dealing with the pain,
forgetting everything
between our rise and fall
like we never loved at all.

Did you forget the magic?
Did you forget the passion?
Oh, and did you ever miss me,
and long to kiss me?
Oh baby, baby.

Maybe that’s just your way
of dealing with the pain,
forgetting everything
between our rise and fall
like we never loved at all.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Your Love Element Is Fire

In love, you are a true listener and totally present.
For you, love is all about feeling more alive than you've ever felt.

You attract others with your joy and passion.
Your flirting style is defined by your strong ability to communicate.

Fun and play are the cornerstones of your love life.
And while your flame may burn too brightly, it's part of your appeal.

You connect best with: Wood

Avoid: Water

You and another Fire element: will likely burn out quickly


how many blogs do you have?

me? i've got a few. one main one, which is this one. a recipe blog, a wishlist one, one about our home and one just for ranting and raving (which i don't write in anymore, i rant and rave on this one nowadays).

i know of some people who has loads of blogs, writing as different personas for each one.

to each their own i guess.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Alex Xara Fernandez OR Caleb Joaquin Fernandez

...or maybe both.

these are the two names my bro and sis have picked for their soon-to-be newborn.

Alex meaning Protector Of Mankind and sweet Xara is Princess

Caleb means Faithful & Bold while Joaquin is God Will Establish

...well, i'm hoping they'll use both, which means, i'm hoping for twins, a boy and a girl for them...


november 2006

my sista gurl is due to have her baby in november 2006!! i'm so happy for her and my bro josh.

i've got so many questions to ask them, i'm such a busybody.

when's the due date?

natural or c-section?


how's the older kids taking it?

blah..blah..blah..blah..blah..... so many more questions

i'm just too excited to write anymore!!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006


i am ill again!! just gotten over a bad bout of flu, was up and running, and now i'm down again with a bad cold, cough and fever.

i really hate this shitty feeling. feel so useless and lethargic and just plain bleakh!

i'm almost certain i know who i got this from, and i feel like throttling his scrawny neck!!!

i was at a outdoor concert last weekend, and one of the audio production guys spittled in my face (right in the nose and mouth area some more!) as he was talking. so rude. do something about that disgusting habit dude.

i found out a couple of days ago that he's on medical leave coz he's sick. and on that same day, i fell ill.

been falling ill pretty often lately, hmmm.... guess it' time i start hitting the gym again to get some exercise and to boost up my fitness level... will go when i'm well again. can't go when i'm ill and feeling like shit can i???

Thursday, January 19, 2006


marcus. that name sends shivers down my spine.

not in the sense of heart palpitations, sweaty palms and tingling scalp.

it's in the sense of heart seizing, fingernails on chalkboard, and cold blood rushing to the very hot brain.

in my previous home, i had nextdoor a family from hell. they had a father who hits our car with his beat-up small suzuki jimny and told me to hit his car back if i'm not happy with it. i called him a fucking asshole. and i told my dad about it (yes, i said the word 'fucking asshole' to my father). and when he saw my dad, he had the fucking gall to tell him that his daughther called him a fucking asshole just because he's had a bad day and accidently gently bumped our car. he also told my dad that he'll apologise to me when he sees me next. he didn't. no balls.

there's also a wife who screams all day long, and tried to sweet talk me into joining her direct selling programme.

and three sons; matthew, marcus and lucas. these three monsters were made to practice the piano all day long (no musical talent at all too). and they scream too. a lot.

anyways, i moved into my new home in dec 2005 and the neighbourhood seems pretty quiet. there are some kids in the houses around, but no screaming moms and kids. i have a inquisitive 6 year old kid and his 3 year old sister next door. but they are mostly indoors.

couple of weeks back, my neighbour was cleaning the frontyard and she was talking to her kids who were indoors. all of a sudden i heard, "MAAARRCUSS!!!"

my heart stopped. my breath caught. my blood went cold.

the little boy's name is marcus.

i heard the woman shouting that name again today. same thing. stopped heart. caught breath. cold blood.

twice in a month is very good compared to the daily ear torture. still, it's not good enough.

no screaming of any sort would be ideal.

Monday, January 16, 2006

looking back at 2005

i came across a meish site that lets you sum up your 2005 in 24 words or less and publish them.

have a go. it makes me reflect on MY 2005.

here's what i had to say:

1st wedding anniversary

moved into our own home

good friends relocating

rediscovering film photography

getting white hair

thought of getting a dog

how 'bout you?

Sunday, January 15, 2006

sweet sad read

i came across belle de jour's writing from an article in the newspaper the other day, and i decided to check it out since i enjoy reading erotica. it wasn't erotica in the normal sense but it's still a good read.

in one of her blog there was a link to this person's writing in his site and after i read it, i felt so touched and so sad. very bittersweet writing. nice.